I didn't cry today. Win.

Realization #1:

I feel it all. I'm an extremely emotional person. I cry when other people are sad. This has been the case for my entire life. I am very empathetic. (I think that's the word...it might be empathic? NOT emphatic, I know, lol.) I've always felt kinda stupid about it because...it's embarrassing sometimes. Like...crying in school or something. Embarrassing. But tonight I actually thought it was ok for the first time. If nothing else, it certainly helps me get emotionally invested in acting, lol.

I think it's alright to "feel it all". I get hurt more often, and more deeply...true. But I also allow myself to love people fully, and to give myself completely, and to be completely happy. And even though this is obviously more of a hurt time...I think it's worth it. The good times are good enough that how bad the bad times are is trumped. I'm glad I don't build walls to keep things out...I'm glad that I can't, even when I want to. I'm actually kinda smiling about it. It's sort of refreshing...to just let everything hit you. And to still be there when it's over. This is super cheesy...but it's like when you're in the ocean, and that big wave that's taller than you crashes into you, and you're totally engulfed for a split second...but then it washes back away, and you're still there.

This is a good song btw. You probably know it. If you don't, you should. :)

I am still completely and utterly miserable. When I let myself think about it. Sometimes I play mind tricks, that help me feel better. I might be lying to myself? Or I might be taking a positive, or at least...surviveable perspective. And I think that's ok for right now.

I wasn't really sure what to write on here, since he's my lj friend but...he wants to forget about me so much that he's probably blocked me/defriended me/ whatever so...it really doesn't matter. If anything else, I know he won't read this because he's terrified of having any contact with me. Which is sad. Because I still don't really know what happened, at least not fully. The break up was a ton of "I don't knows" which...is really frustrating. I think it would be easier for me to move on if things were better understood.

Speaking of moving on...it's really hard. I'm trying to...but....I just loved...err...love him more than anything. Like...seriously. He was everything to me, we did everything together, we shared everything. I can't watch tv, go to any place on the east side or in sm, listen to music, drive down the street, without some memory of the two of us creeping up and taking over. It's really difficult being alone. I've actually been staying with my parents since it happened, and will prob continue to for awhile. I think our relationship def needed a break so he can...get over some shit that he's been going through...but this was a terrible way to handle it. I should have been stronger and broken up with him to be hoenst. But unlike him, I am actually sure of my emotions, and adult enough to let them hit me..fully. And I loved him...too much to break up when I should have. And I really really miss him.

Something that makes it really difficult is that I feel that the break up isn't affecting him much at all. He seems happy. He's going out and getting drunk and staying up late all the time. And he just doesn't seem to care. He doesn't seem to miss me. It makes me question if he was being truthful with the break up, or if there was another girl. Specifically because it seems like we started having all these serious problems when he started hanging out with her, and he's been hanging out with her everyday since the breakup. I don't want to think he's that big of a sleaze...but at least things would make more sense if that were the case.

To be honest, I don't think he's ready for a serious relationship. I think four years freaked him out. I think the fact that he knew I wanted to get married (to someone, someday) freaked him out. I don't think he currently has the emotional capacity to handle loving someone that deeply. I could be wrong. I could just be reasoning, because I am the most hurt a person can be. But...it's what I think right now. I don't think he'll find another girl to love him the way I did...and even if he does, he won't be able to handle it. Not totally. Not for a long, long time. Maybe it will take a few not so great relatinships to realize that he fucked up. And that he shouldn't have freaked himself out over commitment. Maybe someday he'll want me back...but...I love him more than anything, but Idk how I could have a real relationship with a person who's treated me the way he has the past few months. Even though I want him to want me back more than anything...could I really deal with that sort of relationship again? An "I love you, you're my best friend, I want this to work out more than anything, but I'll never be IN LOVE with you and I'm going to agonize over it" relationship? Idk. I don't know if I could. Even though I think we're great together, and super compatible, and we obviously loved each other very much...at least until this fall, and I still don't know what happened. I like to think that he'll miss me. That there will be parts me of that won't be filled by his friends, or by beer, or by other girls. I don't know if he has the emotional capacity to let himself miss me though. I feel like he's already moved on. And to have someone you loved that deeply move on in less than a week...in less than three days....hurts. A lot.

I'm trying to stay busy. My friends are definitely good at cheering me up. I'm trying to meet new guys...just to meet them, not to pursue a relationship. Just to remind myself that other people can make me feel wanted, and make me laugh, and think I'm pretty. It might be slightly unhealthy to do that so soon...but so is sitting around and not trying to do anything to make myself feel better. So I'm hanging out with Katu tonight. And Jay tuesday night. My Wednesday is open. And I'm gonna balance having fun with still talking about it and getting my feelings out. I'll def cry tonight with Katu (sorry...) and I'm gonna vent to Steve tomorrow and probably cry (he's a prof that I'm close to) but hopefully soon I'll be able to talk about it and only cry a little. Or once in awhile. Not every time. And then I'll stop crying, except rarely. And then I'll just stop. And I will still be really really really fucking hurt. But...maybe I won't think about how hurt I am so much. Thursday is movie night with theatre friends. I'm also getting coffee with Mike's mom on thursday. Idk why. I think maybe it will help. At this point, it really can't hurt ME anymore (and I'm not concerned about hurting Mike...because I don't think I can) but it might help. Who knows. Maybe his mom can give me some closure that he didn't, lol.

We were supposed to still be friends...idk how to do that. I was supposed to call him this weekend...I didn't. Of course he didn't call me instead, lol. I'm getting a little sick of being the one who calls, and cries, and checks in, and just generally acts like they give a shit. I realize being emotonally closed off makes it easier for him, and I really didn't expect him to call me (sadly enough, I didn't even expect it when we were going out... ) but...you just don't treat someone you love like that. At least not when they're still dating. He would never talk about it with me. I jsut wanted to talk about all out problems, lay them out on the table, and he refused. He said he wasn't ready. So I gave him time and space. And he was never ready. even when he was sitting on my bed, stoically (sp?) breaking up with me, he wouldn't fucking talk about it. And that's ridiculous.

Alright. Time to stop crying and get to school.

It's over. And it sucks. And chances are...I need you guys. So come find me.

I just really really want things to work out. And I want him to feel better. And I'd do pretty much anything to make those things happen.

Lol.

So today in Acting, my professor pointed me out as, apparently, the most overtly sensual person in the room.
This made me feel really really awkward.
And also a tiny bit pleased.

Honestly, I'm a bit taken aback. I feel like all of a sudden I'm this creature with a good amount of sex appeal...and it's weirding me out. Because I just feel silly and awkward. And sarcastic. I don't feel sexy...at least not apparently so. In the few weeks that Mike and I were not together, I got a ton of phone numbers. It sorta blew me away. And now I'm being essentially used as a prop in acting class to get a guy to act more manly (Lol). Before I explain what I had to do (it really wasn't THAT bad, but I still felt awkward, particularly since this guy and I don't really get along), let me say that in acting classes, things that are generally deemed inappropriate (such as frequently invading person space) are not really inappropriate. So, this guy is doing his monologue, in which he has to be very confident, very grounded, very guttural. He isn't doing those things...all of his energy is in his throat and head and chest, instead of lower where it needs to be. (yeah blah blah acting jargon, deal with it.) So, my prof is like, Ok Guy, we're going to do an exercise that might be a little bit embarrassing. Jackie, I need your particular sensuousness for this. So of course I turn red. Long story short, I had to stand very close behind him with a pretty wide stance (further than shoulder width) with my hands resting on his hips and let my "womanliness" affect him, so that his energy become more grounded...i.e. more in his stomach and groin. >.< lol. So...long story short, my (female, straight) professor explained several times, in rather embarrassing detail, how my sensuality was supposed to help this guy. Which it apparently did, since the monologue improved a lot after that. But....I still felt very awkward.

Like I said. It's weird. I'm really not trying to sound conceited at all (although if I do, it's the internet, so it really doesn't matter)...I'm really just weirded out that other people seem to be very aware of my sexuality. More so than I am, in some cases.

Weird feeling.

So....since apparently I want to be in school even longer, I dropped my history class. The deciding factor was that I couldn't stand the professor. The other deciding factor was that I haven't gotten to hang out with my friends since school started, since between homework, work, and class, I literally have no extra time. Hopefully this will help. And I also won't have to cut back on work hours, which is gut, ya?

That includes when my grandma died. When i didn't get into the acting BFA. When I was in Eau Claire and super depressed. When my sister decided to cut herself off from my family.

I would be significantly better if I let myself hope that he wants to get back together. But I can't really do that. because if this is where I am with no hope...then where will I be if I get my hopes up and he breaks my heart again? I don't want to think about what would happen. I don't know what happens when you've literally put everything you've got to give into grief. I don't know what goes in next.

This came out of nowhere, for me at least. I mean...We laughed the day before. We slept together the day before. he loved me the day before, he said so. We've been having little fights...I admit I'd been frustrated because we both were really busy, I wasn't seeing him very much. And I was frustrated with myself because when i did see him, I was exhausted from the day, too tired to actually enjoy his company. But we were good. Good together. We fit each other, we complemented each other. I would honestly do anything to have things be alright again. If he wanted me to drop a class, I'd do it. If he wanted to only see me one night a week, if he wanted me to quit my job, if he wanted me pay him back for everything he's bought for me, if he wanted the car, if he wanted ...i don't even know. A monkey. I'd smuggle one illegally. Whatever. I would honestly sacrifice to make him happy. If he wanted to drop out of school again, and if he didn't want me giving him shit about it, then I wouldn't. And I'd kick anyone else who did.

I have tried to eat. I had 1/3 of a muffin yesterday and 1/3 of a $.99 frosty. The day before I had 6 rolos. I am nauseous all the time.
I have tried to sleep. I had to watch season one of grey's anatomy on repreat until I fell asleep at 4:30 AM and woke up at 8:30AM. The next night I had to take a (not my) prescription muscle relaxer so that I could fall asleep long enough to function in school today. Heavily drugged (this thing literally knocked me out in ten minutes), I still woke up in the middle of the night twice, and had trouble falling back asleep.
I've tried to do school. Homework (the stuff I can actually concentrate on) is one of the only things that keeps me from crying, so I've started doing my Wednesday homework already. I cried through my entire first class this morning. We were watching a movie about enslaved africans and the middle passage, so everyone probably thought I was crying about that. In my next class, I miraculously didn't cry, thanks to my friends, but I did almost leave the room because I thought I was going to vomit. I balled the entire way home on the bus. I'm sure everyone thought I was crazy.

I tried to contact him the first day. Sometime I wonder if he's angry at me for trying. On the other hand, if I was him, I'd want him to try. I'd want to know that he actually cares enough about the relationship to make some effort to talk to me. But clearly I don't have a very good understanding of his view of the relationship. He says he needs space to figure things out...and on one hand I understand that. On the other hand, I'm afraid he'll forget how happy we are together if we're so distanced. That he'll forget all the good things and just dwell on whatever bad things there are in his mind. I sent him a facebook message. This is pathetic, I know. But there were so many things that I realized and that I needed to tell him. I entitled it, " You don't have to read this right away, but PLEASE don't delete it." Hopefully he didn't.

I finally came out yesterday and told the main dude who's been bothering me that straight out absolutely nothing will ever happen between us, and that he should give up and chase someone else. Because the dozens of texts a day, the handfuls of phone calls, the constant IMs...just remind me of how fucking lonely I am, and how much NO ONE ELSE can fill this gap. And how pissed Mike would be (the old Mike, anyway) if he knew a guy was pursuing me with this gall.I don't know if Mike would still care. I find it hard to imagine that he can just...turn a switch and stop caring if someone else wants to be with me. Since it used to drive him crazy. But I don't know. Maybe there is a switch. It feels like there is.

A break would be fine. But I can't deal with a break that turns into something permanent. I can't.

I've come up with schemes to try to win him back, should he decide that he doesn't want me. They're mostly quite stalkerish. You know...the kind that are sweet in movies and stuff but in reality no one actually does them, so they're a bit off? But I have to fight. Everything would be quite pointless if I didn't.

One of my friends told me it will get better, she PROMISES. You know what? This girl has never been close to having a relationship this serious. Her most serious relationship was two years with a (probably) gay man who touched her breast, once, upon her request. I don't want to be a cliche heartbroken teenager here, but that doesn't help. Because she has absolutely no concept of how this feels.

Grey's anatomy has some really terrible monologues in the first season, by the way. I've never watched it before, so I didn't know. but if I closed my eyes, I felt like I was in acting class. At UWM. With sophomores and juniors. Not good. Maybe the second season gets better. I'm sure I'll find out.

I'm sorry. I know this is utterly raw. And probably very pathetic and boring. And most of you probably didn't even make it this far. But...
this is real.

So. There are two males who have moved in since I've been single. SRSLY!? It's been less than 24 hours. I just want them to leave me alone. It's not even flattering. They obviously have no regard for my feelings and how FUCKING miserable I am, otherwise they'd fucking LAY OFF. This guy, "X", wanted to COME OVER LAST NIGHT. AND TONIGHT. WTF. I barely even know you, let alone want you in my house and IN MY BED. I don't want you to cuddle me, I don't want you to touch me, I don't even want you TO THINK about comforting me. Physically or emotionally. As if you actually had the emotional and mental capacity to do an adequate job anyway. I am really so entirely angry and violated by this person. I want them to go away.

I dreamt  that you had gold coverings on all of your teeth. I didn't like it, but I didn't tell you.

So I guess I'm single.

We're "taking a break" for a month. So he can "figure things out". Such as "whether or not he's in love with me." Even though he "still loves me."

So...I haven't decided which self destructive path to take:

1. Becoming an alcoholic
2. Becoming a whore
3. Becoming a drug addict
4. YES.

I feel like drugs will definitely help my indie/artsy cred, so that's got to be included. Let's see what else I can fit in.

There are people who still go to high school football games (even though they have no siblings or anything in the games). This makes me sad.

Personally, I feel really disconnected with hs, and I'm happy about that. lol. Maybe I should have more loyalty.

No. I don't wanna be that person.

So. I am posting this in between bouts of attempting to clean my room. So I can actually FIND things. Like computer paper.

This semester's going to be really fun class-wise, but also crazy busy.

History of Slavery and Gender in the Atlantic World.
So let me just say, it's good that I'm not looking for a boyfriend, since I take all arts classes and gender history classes. Which involve a lot more gay men than straight men. Sad. Anyway, this is my first upper division history class, so I was a little nervous that it'd be hard. What was I thinking? It's UWM! Two five page papers, a debate, and a taken home essay exam. That's it. Well, and a shit ton of reading...probably 150ish pages a week, maybe a little more. But besides that! The class shouldn't be too hard. Honestly, I think it's going to review a lot of what I've learned from other gender/sexuality history classes (for example, the first book we have to read, I've already read for two previous classes).

History of Costume
I am so pumped for this class. Because really...it's the history of fashion. And I get to do costume renderings (drawings) ALL THE TIME. And the professor is like a 65 yr old woman who seems to be not only funny, but a total sweetheart. Yaaaaay clothes. Girly enough for ya? I don't know what's happening to me...

Acting 3
First, I love the woman teaching this class (she was my director for mill fire) second, acting is always a blast. Third, we got to vote on what we wanted to focuz on for the class. Fourth, we're doing a community service project that involves performing scenes and monologues from Macbeth for Halloween in the WOODS in a state park, and giving the proceeds to the theatre department for student scholarships and to a community theatre based out of the state park OMGWTFBBQ AWESOME.

Stagecraft
I hate tools. I hate building things BUT. This will be great for me if I decide to be a set designer, I have some friends in the class, and really I should learn how to use tools and build shit anyway. Just one of those things you should know. The bad thing is that it requires 6 hours of lab a week, and also quite a few additional hours outside of class AND lab (and even more for me, because my drawing class interferes with the last hour of lab every day). Which makes me a little worried about maintaining both jobs that I have.

Drawing
I love art. And the prof seems cool. Downside: mostly freshmen.

World Theatre
I know almost everyone in this class...and in a class of 75 people, that's pretty awesome. Also, because I have 16 credits (since I dropped yoga :(  besides this one, I'm jsut sitting in on this class, so I don't have to worry about the homework or tests! Which makes it awesome. Plus, I love the prof.

I've decided to look for another job in order to quit open pantry asap. Because otherwise I may die. The places I turned in applications today as an alternative (so you can realize how desperate I am to gtfo): Victoria's Secret, Justice (a pre teen girl's store), Barnes and Noble, Delia's, Forever 21. >.<

I've also realized that...since I only have approximately 329857230578 semesters left, I need to stop being so responsible! To be frank, there need to be more parties and much more drinking in my life. And since this is the last year that I need to get a 3.8 or whatever, perhaps the excessive drinking can begin! I'm not going to go crazy but...I don't think I've EVER gone out on a school night. PSHAW> that shit has got to stop.

I'm exhausted.

Thrifting tomorrow with my momma and aunt. Then, of course, working!

Rules: Once you've been tagged, Fill this out IN YOUR OWN WORDS and repost as, "My Autobiography" ... And use your own answers, not anyone else's.


1. Where did you take your profile pic?
Seattle

2.What exactly are you wearing right now?
lightblue blue jeans, a pink tank top, light blue bra, green underwear.

3. What is your current problem?
My tummy hurts and I hate my job.

4. What makes you happy most?
Mike?

5. What's the name of the song that you're listening to right now?
Jackson Cannery

6. Name someone with the same birthday as you?
Kevin Arts. Barf.

7. Ever sang in front of a large audience?
many times

8. Has anyone ever said you looked like a celebrity?
Mike says I look like Alex from Lost. She's the french chick's daughter. I don't think she counts as a celebrity though.

9. Do you speak any other languages?
spanish. un poco.

10. Has anyone you've been close with passed away?
grandparents

11. Do you ever watch MTV?
not really

12. What's something that really annoys you?
people, often.


Chapter 1:===============

1.Middle name:
elizabeth.

2.Nickname(s):
green, jackie, greenpeas, turbo, kraken, wolverine, various other nonsense.

3.Current location:
mi apartamento

4. Eye color:
idk. blue? green? with some yellow.
Chapter 2:===============

1.Do you get along with your parent(s):
yeah

2.Are your parents married/separated/divorced

Also, just finished watching Season 5 of Lost, so I'm all caught up now. SRSLZY WTF WTF WTF. ARG.

Sorry, my last post was so self-involved I forgot:

One of my UWM friends got engaged! One of the first people in a myriad of engaged people who I actually think SHOULD be engaged. I'm so happy for her! :D

And now for my shameless self-indulgence:

Also....Joan for Halloween(from Madmen)? Or Retro Space Girl? Or Eli the Barrow Boy's dead lover? Or the fucking badass queen of the forest who's crazy metal and turns people into deer and is from The Hazards of Love?

So, I got back from Colorado a few days ago. It was a good trip, not the best, but good. It would have been better if my little sister had not been such a moody teenager and if there hadn't been so much tension caused by my friend, Mike Ellison, having the obvious hots for me.

I am not one of those girls who assumes that lots of dudes like her. I pretty much assume that no one likes me, until proven otherwise. So...don't think I'm being conceited here. Ellison has told me, repeatedly, that he is attracted to me. I didn't really think it would be an issue, since I'm obviously not going to respond to his amorous overtures, and since I thought he could be a little more subtle about them. Apparently, he really didn't care if my Mike, Mike Lawson, knew about his feelings. Ergo, his overt flirtations made the trip a little awkward. As nice as it is to get flirted with, it was really a bit out of hand.

Colorado, itself, however, was great. It's a great state, definitely in my top five, prob my top two states. It was wild, untamed. Not manicured. Or at least in my imagination is was wild and untamed, which is what counts. It made me want to be a cowgirl. Or pan for gold. Or run around and kill buffalo. It's insane how much unused land the US has in comparison with European countries. We're just fricken made of space. And resources. It's gross.

You should probably just skip the next paragraph. I would do that thing where you make it readable through a cut, but I don't remember how.

Mike's been kinda irritating me for stupid, little reasons. These reasons are as follows (And yes, I know they're stupid, I've already admitted it.) Like his house is messy. Or he used my soap. Or he makes a huge deal about buying me a bag of pretzels or something to eat while I'm at his house, since he has no food. So then I suggest we go to my house, where I have ample food that I like to eat, and that is mine. Also, my house is clean. And has Tommy at it. But he doesn't want to go to my house, because we already spend a lot of time there. And he won't bring clothes or shower stuff to my house. Like he never wants to be there. Even though I cleared out a drawer for him at his request. It irks me. And whenever we go shopping for anything, he always brings up money. Like...as in,, explicitly asking me EVERY SINGLE TIME, whether I know that I have to pay for whatever it is I'm getting. And I do know. i expect to have to. But it's extremely irritating to have him reminding me every single time I pick something up about my shitty ass financial situation while he's sitting there spending money like it grows on trees. Because for him, it practically does.  Maybe I shouldn't be with someone whose financial situation is so different from my own. I feel like the older Mike gets, the more he gets out of touch with how it feels like to have no money, which was something he could relate to when we started dating. (Mike only got his money after turning 18). I know I'm rambling, but the whole financial disparity is making me really crabby lately. It's nice to be able to have Mike pick up the tab sometime, and he is really generous, but...if I was with someone as dirt-ass poor as I am, then I wouldn't have to feel like they were in charge of...the relationship or whatever.

I'm sick of theatre. I'm sick of the stress and often the disappointment that goes along with auditioning. I'm sick of worrying about what I look like and whether it will affect me getting cast.  I'm even kinda sick of people telling me that I'm good. I'm sick of the constant involvement it takes. I can never just go home and get away from it. It's always there. The community theatre meetings, the heaps and heaps of audition notices, the constant pressure to see every new show on the milwaukee theatre scene (which I obviously cannot swing financially). I'm really not looking forward to school.

Also, I hate my job. Everyone hates their job, I know that. But I like my other job. I've never hated a job more than this. Open Pantry is where intellect and wit and youth and vitality go to die. I need to get out.

I'm responsible. I'll find something else first. But seriously, it's getting to the point where being there ruins my entire day.

Sorry, I realize this post is whiny as fuck. But if I can't whine on the internet, where can I?

I'll end on a positive note. I'm getting a lot happier with the way my body looks. I don't know what I weigh right now, I don't own a scale. But I'm def on the right track.

I've also been thinking about graduate programs. I'm definitely not going to do acting. I still might do history, or scene/costume design, or art. However, lately I've been thinking more and more about travel writing. Essentially every teacher I've ever had has told me I'm a good writer (please don't take my journal as an example) ...most of my theatre profs want me to try my hand at playwriting. And considering that most people describe finding the profession that they actually enjoy as a sort of...falling in love esque experience, the more and more I think mine has to be related to travel. It's the only thing I never dread. There are days when i don't want to act, when I don't want to draw, when I could give a fuck about World War II, but there's never a time when I don't want to drive off and discover some new little place that I've never encountered before. I like everything about it. Even the crappy hotel rooms, and how shitty you feel after being in a car with the same people for 20 hours. Ok, I hate airplanes and airports, but I like everything else. I like the distinct possibility of getting terribly lost. I even like stupid shit, like when the light switches or toilets or whatever are different. I'd sort of like to just like to write travel books that are a series of writings, photographs, drawings, and music that are inspired by, or taken directly from, wherever I go. I suppose this might be reaching a bit too far though. Maybe eventually.

Why did I do theatre instead of art? It's something I regret more and more.

Damn. I was trying to end on a positive note.

I made beef stew tonight. It was yummy. There we go.

I just got an email entitled "Everything you need to know about Black Eyeliner". Srsly? WHY.

My computer is broken again. It won't charge (again). So, since it broke the same way twice, instead of fixing it, I get to exchange it! It makes me so happy when warranties actually pay off. I got it two years ago, and thus has been outdated pretty significantly, of course, but the exchange rate I get is $430. So I think I'm just going to upgrade a little bit (Since the even exchange options are like...Compaq...EW.) and get a $500 Gateway or a $530 HP.

Things at the new apartment are good, except the cats aren't used to each other yet. (Tommy's being a bitch, are you shocked? I'm not!) But yeah, he keeps eating the other cat's food...which I knew he would do...so much for his diet. >.< At least there haven't been any physical altercations yet. Just general avoidance and hissing/growling. I hope he stops being a bitch by the time I leave for Colorado on Saturday.

Oh yeah. Haven't planned that AT ALL yet.

I love my new room though. It is green and AWESOME. My dad put in some shelves that look super cool, and I have three huge windows (with sills big enough to sit on! :D) which I like. Everyone's been super busy, so the livingroom and kitchen are taking shape slowly- I don't think I'll be able to have people over til I get back.

Must eat food now. G'day.

I've found a desk.
I've found a mattress.
I've gotten a third job.
I've gotten a car.

And I will be...
moving.
painting.
getting contacts.

OMG. It's finally raining. For more than thirty seconds. I looooooove it. It should do this everyday rather than once a month.

Also, got the job at Open Pantry. Woot? It's money. Hopefully something better comes along eventually.